Detroit, Michigan – Word coming out of Fremont, California is General Motors (NYSE: GM) has bought Tesla (NASDAQ: TSLA,) effective immediately, for ten billion dollars.
Elon Musk says “I’ve lusted after a V8-powered Model S and now I can finally bring my idea to fruition.” GM will scrap the EV powertrains and convert Tesla’s current fleet to LT4 V8 powered models. The news is sure to cause much disruption at co-ops in wealthy subdivisions across the country. In fact, many protests are scheduled at Whole Foods parking lots from coast-to-coast.
A letter and MAGA hat will be mailed to all current owners with an offer to buy a new ICE Tesla. Mandatory re-education camps will be set up across the country as an antidote to years of green indoctrination.
General Motors CEO Mary Barra confirmed the deal and adds, “We’re thrilled to have Tesla as part of the GM family. We look forward to Elon Musk staying on as an advisor and he is relishing the idea of moving to the greater Detroit area.”
Barra continues, “We know he’ll enjoy working with a legacy automaker and the 75 year old United Auto Workers union as well. The Detroit area, which is largely inhabited by a below poverty population, will allow him to witness his beloved diversity up close, far away from the toney enclaves of the South Bay Area. We are confident he will embrace the hidebound union and long grueling winters as well.”
In the meantime, former Tesla management and workers have hired newly unemployed Bob Mueller to investigate the transaction, which is rumored to have been influenced by Vladimir Putin himself.
Joy Behar, homely host of “The View,” has worked herself into a froth and can’t wait for the results of the investigation. In the meantime, she will devote all commentary to express her disdain for mullets, Camaros, and NASCAR. She’s also sent out an all-points bulletin to Alexandria Occasional-Cortex, but AOC remains AWOL.
Both GM and Tesla stock went on a roller coaster ride after the announcement.